The Chum

Yuck, just the thought of that word makes my stomach twist. Back when I use to work with out youth group we had an event we called Mess Fest. It was a glorified food fight. We wanted something messy, something fun, something unforgettable.

Instead of doing an all out food fight we decided to have a competition of sorts and involve the NASTIEST food we could find. So we gathered up about 20 dozen eggs, about 15 big ol tubs of oatmeal, some chicken feed, pudding, whip cream, and the best part “moo glide” (more on that later).

I can’t really remember all the actual tasks the teams had to do but I remember it was CRAZY MESSY.

Oh yeah, I need to explain the chum. Chum is made up of coolers of hot steaming oatmeal, chicken feed, and orange Gatorade powder. It has a texture all its own and a smell that is, well, pretty much vomit inducing. The chum would become the backbone of the evening.

So we had the kids do all these different games. One was a blindfolded egg toss and then an egg shoot-out at 10 paces. Nothing like starting off when the sun is still out and beating down by having everyone covered in eggs.

We then moved on to a obstacle course where all the leaders pelted the kids with piping hot chum and they made their way through the course and then had to bob in pudding. Good times, good times.

One of my favorites was the “moo glide” dunk and slide. Kids had to run down and dunk themselves head first into the “moo glide”. This magic potion was something we picked up from the farm store when we got the chicken feed. Its sole purpose in farming is to act as a lubricant for birthing cows. Yep, you read that right, for birthing cows. It comes in powder form and when you add water turns into the slimy wet stuff that feels just like water but whicks off of you when you shake your arm. It is the coolest stuff in the world. So kids had to dunk themselves in a huge trash can of moo glide and then slide across a ghetto slip in slide (i.e. tarp) and tag their teammate who then had to do the same thing. It was HILARIOUS.

So after all the competitions we had the all out fest of the mess. We brought out more coolers of hot chum, buckets of pudding and whip cream, another trash can of moo glide and just let everyone run wild. It was CHAOS.

Here are a few tips if you are ever in a food fight. Always aim for the major holes in the head. These include the mouth, ears, and nose. These are perfect areas to deposit your weapon of choice. They each have their own pros and cons. You will have the most luck with the mouth as it is probably opened from talking or screaming. It is also the biggest opening so you can get the most bang for your buck. The nose is good because it is unexpected and with just a slight forward thrust of your palm you can move from the mouth to the nose and expertly compact a good few inches of material up both nasal cavities. I personally favor the ears as they make the most damaging impact. You can spit food out of your mouth, you can blow your nose, but your ears are just empty spots waiting to be filled. This also allows you to make a sneak attack from the side or back and be on your way before retribution can be given. Also, the ears offer the opportunity for a long lasting effect as it will take days for them to be properly cleaned out.

So we went at each other like crazy people and by the end of it I was covered head to toe in chum and such and my hair was a slick mess of moo glide with chunks of chum squished into my scalp.

So what do you do when you have 100 people covered in food? Call the fire department. We had one of the huge water trucks come out and spray us down. It was a blast. (pun not intended)

So if anyone wants to start a food fight with me, remember I am a professional with a detailed game plan.