What is a normal anyway?

I came home last night to my abode. The front door was clad in darkness because I neglected to turn on the porch light at 5:00 when I left the house with the sun beating down on my front porch. I also choose not to turn on the light because it is a homing beacon for every june-bug in the northern hemisphere. It is like a insect family reunion on my porch as long lost bug cousins gather for a bar-b-que, trip down memory lane, and their favorite pastime – trying to skirt into my door as I slip through the small slit I allow myself to prevent the Clampett family of bugs to move in with me.

Luckily the moon was full so I could navigate my way across the backyard (my front yard though) and make it safely to the door. Also, my ability to change into a hairy beast with a dastardly growl during the full moon assures me that I will be safe from any neighborhood dogs that may be on the prowl. As I expertly slid the key into the lock with my night vision precision I step forward into the doorway.

Then it hits me. LITERALLY. I am intertwined in a web of sorts and sticky threads are attaching themselves to my face and hair. Now a normal person would just reach up and swat away the web and maybe step back to inspect. But me, oh no I FREAK out for some reason. Wildly swatting in the air to make sure some behemoth of a spider is not creating a nice summer home in my ear, I step back to escape the grasp of the web of entrapment. I trip and fall down and I am laying on my porch with books, purse, and stuff scattered everywhere. Little slivers of flesh from my arms and legs are now gracing the cements of my stoop and the wood planks of the porch and I am uttering words that RARELY pass my lips.

Is this, I ask you, a normal reaction to a spider web? Is this a normal reaction to anything? No it is the Kpinion reaction to a surprising circumstance with an uneven porch, an askew porch mat, and my keen sense of utter inability to stand up in any given situation.