The microcosm of humanity and the Stupidity Test

Sometimes I have to ask myself if I am an arrogant person. Do I think I’m better than other people? Do I look down on others for no reason other than to make myself feel better? After this weekend I may have to answer yes to this statement.

On Saturday I realized I had not purchased a present for a wedding I was attending that evening. Buying presents for weddings is a whipping most of the time. You have the registry list with all the stuff the bride and groom want and you have the prices listed there in bold. And as you look for a gift you want to give, you also must weigh the amount you are going to spend, and then since the bride and groom know what is on the list and therefore know how much each item costs, you are forced to choose something that doesn’t say “Hi, I’m cheap”.

So I’m working my way down the list at Target (my favorite store in the WORLD), and of course most of the stuff is purchased already. I guess other people plan ahead for these things, me I like to be wrapping the gift in the parking lot right before the bride books it down the aisle. Of course, not only are most of the gifts purchased but the stuff that is still available for gifting isn’t sold at my Target. So I’m looking for something that seems like it would be a gift from me and is not too expensive but not so cheap that I buy the newlyweds a set of measuring cups and call it a day. I settle on a set or margarita glasses (don’t get me started on the idea of these two youngins who I had in the youth group as YOUTH drinking margaritas, maybe they just like the pretty colors). I felt comfortable with the price point and I thought about adding another kitchen/table item but of course they were all bought or not available and margarita glasses and wash clothes didn’t seem like the proper pairing.

So now I have this long and awkward box that needs to be wrapped. I head to the gift bag and wrapping area for a proper pretty package (alliteration at work here people). Of course there are no bags made to fit long and skinny items although they do have JUMBO gift bags that I could fit in. Who needs a body size gift bag, a body size trash bag maybe but gift bag? Really people if you are buying a gift that big then you need to just slap a bow on it and call it a day.

So I decide to wrap my gift and make a pretty bow out of tulle. Assuring myself that I have plenty of wedding wrap at home I head out of Target pleased with myself for accomplishing my task.

Alas when I get home I realize that I do not have enough gift wrap for the longest present in the world and refusing to return to target (a 15 minute drive at least) I head to my nearby Albertson’s (the microcosm of humanity).

BIG MISTAKE, I repeat BIG MISTAKE.

I make my way to the gift wrap/card/flower/automotive/dog food aisle (gotta love the grocery store) fighting the carts and “God’s special people” as my friend likes to call them. I pick out a nice white gift wrap and make my way back to the check out section.

Let me paint a picture for you. Twenty carts, people lane jumping to figure out which lane is moving the fastest because they are in a hurry even though they have purchased enough groceries to feed a small country in Africa. When you cart is overflowing and you are dragging things around with your feet it really doesn’t matter which line you get in because you are going to be there for a while.

I bypass the crazy cart people and head for the self checkout (the stupidity test). Being a former checker I have the necessary skills to work these machines with efficiency, expediency, and finesse. Other people DO NOT. I of course end up surrounded by people that should not be allowed to work ATM machines much less a scanner and keypad.

Case in point: A woman is attempting to scan her items, it doesn’t work. She tries again, it doesn’t work. It finally works and she puts it in the bag, then the machines pipes up with a warning that an unknown item is in the bagging area. So she takes it out and then alarms blare as it announces that something has been removed from the bagging area. So as this woman is fighting with this machine she is of course talking to it, because we all know that check out machines talk back when we yell at it. She is also looking around for sympathy and encouragement that the machine is stupid and she in fact is normal.

Now the people in front of me have decided that it is ok to use the self checkout when they have 50 billion items which they have piled around the bagging area because there isn’t enough room. Then they need the poor worker guy to scan for them because they don’t know what they are doing. Here is a hint, if there are two bagging carols then you shouldn’t try and use the self check out when you need 50 bags.

When my turn finally comes I check out with speed unbeknownst to these people and with such flair and panache that people stop and stare in awe.

FIFTEEN minutes after I enter the store, I leave with my purchase in hand and a sense of relief that I survived and passed the stupidity test.