Did he think that this was the circus?

I was highly entertained yesterday by what may be the most absurd thing I have ever seen. As I drove down our construction laden main road of University Dr., I was frustrated by the smoky slow driver in front of me. Through their front windshield I could see a motorcycler that seemed to be having some problems.

It was difficult to see through the hazy cloud that filled the late model Chevrolet and was most likely causing cancer to rot the driver’s lungs as well as her passenger. It seemed to me that this motorcycler was riding side-saddle. Yes I said the term that invokes the metal picture of a dainty lady in a flowing dress seated upon an English horse. But this was Texas (where no one rides side saddle) and this was a man on a motorcycle.

In an effort to better observe this motorcycler I pulled up next to him. Big mistake, BIG MISTAKE.

He was, in fact, a reject from Grandpa Curly’s Traveling Circus of Idiots.

So now I am driving next to what may be the skinniest man on earth with the biggest ego I have ever seen. People his ego was crowding me out of my lane.

Picture this: Some skinny man/child in jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket of some sort from the Michael Jackson/Star Trek warehouse. This jacket had foam squares of some sort attached to the actual clothing. Were these there to protect the motorcycler in case of injury, I pondered. And if so, what was the point of having a buffer block located at your navel and shoulder blades? But back to his skinniness – This man made me look like the incredible hulk (which is every woman’s secret dream no less). He weighed maybe, MAYBE a buck and some pennies. I wouldn’t even be able to shop off the dollar menu at McDonald’s with that. To complete the overall look he also had two hoop earrings, spiky hair (which is required of all men trying to look tough) and sunglasses last seen in The Terminator.

So now that you have a visual picture of the man/child let me share with you what he was doing: Rhythmic gymnastics on his motorcycle. This man was jumping and swinging like it was a pummel horse. First one leg was up in the air, and then it slid under him and onto the other side, next both were tucked behind him. I half expected him to do a handstand.

A feeling of amazement, pity, and disgust washed over me. What in the world did this guy think he was achieving with his ballet-like antics? That women everywhere would throw themselves at him after seeing his skills. That there would be a long train of cars following Skippy the Man/Child down the road as he flipped and flopped around on his ten-speed Schwinn motorcycle. Oh yeah baby you are every woman’s dream come true.

The kicker was that when we stopped at a light he began to look around with the face of one who wants you to think he is too cool to care is you are watching but really is dying inside to see if he has all eyes on him. I quickly averted my eyes and closed my gaping mouth lest he think that I was dreaming of our future together with little gymnastic motorcycle riding babies and such.

Our final moment together was when he gunned it at the light threw his legs out behind him and looked like he was flying off the back of the bike.

Goodbye my young showboat. Alas your manly tricks of luring a harem did not work on me. I will always remember your skills and the humor, shock, and awe they brought to my evening commute. I hope you find your lost circus or better yet a partner so you can do synchronized-rhythmic-gymnastic-skinny-butt motorcycle antics as you ride off into the sunset with your shoulder blades and naval protected from harm.