Thursday, August 18, 2005

Yes I do think about things like this

Some of my blog friends have very creative gifts. Steve can sing and write songs, his friend Yakima Chris is also a gifted song writer, Eddie and Edgy Mama can write fiction like no other, I’m convinced that Ben is a short story writer waiting to break loose.

I, on the other hand, write dissertations. Yep, I am such a nerd that I write long thought out papers on points of interest to me. Somehow this seems so much less creative than all my other friends, but I’ve accepted my nerdom so now I will inflict it on you.

"My own personal Jesus" - Depeche Mode circa 1990. I have no idea the true meaning of this song but it sets the stage for something I’ve been thinking about.

What is “it” that we turn into our own personal Jesus? Is it sometimes ourselves? If I’m honest, I will admit that there have been many times when I’ve told God, “Sit back and take a breather, I can handle this one.”

How to do I get to the point where I remove the Lord from his throne and take His place as my own personal Savior?

This never happens when I’m in a crisis. It always happens when things are working out for me, when everything is good. It happens when I think I’ve got everything under control and I can handle anything that comes my way.

Notice the amount of “I’s” in that last paragraph. That is the tell tale sign of my problem. I start focusing on me and start giving myself credit for my circumstances. I start to forget that “I” did nothing to get myself to this point of calm and blessings but “I” sure like to take credit for it.

So what happens when you push the Lord of Creation out of His throne? DISASTER.

Have you ever noticed that men are not good saviors? They often fail at the whole saving bit. Or at least they may save someone but they invariably lose their own life in the process. What good is it for the savior to be dead? Then the saving is done but the saved is left all alone with nothing.

Men are terrible saviors and I’m a horrible lord. As soon as I get in that throne everything goes to hell. I’m not saying that to be crass but to illuminate exactly where the work of the lord (me) ends up. Why? Because now a faulted, sinful, messed up being is trying to be divine and do the divine. On his own, the pauper can’t play the prince.

So if I am my own personal Jesus, what am I saving? Who am I leading? Where is my kingdom? Those answers are easy: noone, nothing, nowhere.

I read a quote in a book I’m struggling through (deep stuff if anyone out there is up for the challenge) and I came across this passage. The author was writing about something different but his point is true here also:

“ . . of the madman who called himself Christ. If we said what we felt, we should say, ‘So you are the Creator and Redeemer of the world: but what a small world it must be! What a little heaven you must inhabit, with angels no bigger than butterflies! How sad it must be to be God; and an inadequate God! Is there really no life fuller and no love more marvelous than yours; and is it really in your small and painful pity that all flesh must put its faith? How much happier would you be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos, scattering the stars like spangles, and leave you in the open, free from other men to look up as well as down!’”
Orthodoxy by C.K. Chesterson

Wow, how small my world becomes when I am my own savior. How pointless my life is. How ineffective love becomes. How sad that mercy and grace are limited by my inadequacies. I’m not a good savior. I’m not a good lord.

So why do I like to take over the throne when things are going so well? Why do I try and take control when God has proven Himself so worthy of my praise, so true to His word, so equipped to be the Sovereign Lord?

How small my faith becomes in that moment when I sit in that throne. How hurt my Lord is when I take His place. How painful the removal from that chair is, as God exerts His will to be the only Lord.

It is then that I realize what I have done. It is then that my eyes open to His glory. It is then that I repent of my arrogance in His presence. It is then that I remember my Lord, my Savior, my King.

It is then that I realize Jesus is mine. I can claim Him as my own personal Savior and no one else need step in and take over that role, especially me.



Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

Wow, KT. You CAN write dissertations! This is so good on so many levels. I wonder the same thing - what am I thinking, that I think I'm in control of my own little universe???. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, we don't know what the next 5 minutes will bring. We depend on the Lord for our very breath, yet we (I) think I'm in control. No wonder He hates pride. Yes, we are glorified through Him, but we are still fallen, still sin (regretably) and still are proudful.

This post is so well written, Katie.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

8/18/2005 10:11 PM  
Blogger Eric Stacey said...

Your faith is inspiring, Katie-have you always been this deep with your faith/relationship with God? I grew up catholic, but during high school myself, my brother, and some friends used to go to a coffee house type deal in the neighborhood-a local Assembly of God church rented it out basically to spread the message of God, and so on. My buddy Ron went to public high school, would go with us also-we used to just hang out there-would never go all the way and accept Jesus-we were young and so on, but we had good discussions with the people there. Years later, my friend Ron accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior-I might go see him at his church this weekend-it's been about 4 years since I've seen him-his daughter had cancer, which I think went away-I think about what I believe every day-whether things happen for a reason (which I hope they do)-I kind of hope God has our lives planned out for us-I've had a bad year so far, but hopefully I'm a better person for it-in the past few years, I've seen psychics, read books, trying to figure life out, but to no avail-go figure-I went to catholic church all my life(not anymore), but my buddy Ron, who never went, now dedicates his life to Jesus, and somehow I think he has made better choices than I have.

8/19/2005 9:08 AM  
Blogger steve said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/19/2005 9:26 AM  
Blogger jes said...

wow, kt. wow.

that is all.

well, not really. because what a lame comment if i said that was all. i love that you are so introspective, that you think through things and articulate your thoughts so well.

i think you could be the next Bruce Wilkinson. except please write just one book, or possibly two, and don't try to keep cashing in on the success of the first. because that's just ridiculous, as he became once he kept writing beyond the prayer of jabez, which admittedly, was a good book.

now, that's all. :)

8/19/2005 9:30 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Eric - thank you for asking questions and sharing your story. I wish I could say that I woke up one day and poof I had arrived at a deep relationship with God but it, like any other relationship, takes time.
To give you some history on myself, I asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior when I was 6 or 7 at vacation bible school. I remember listening to the pastor talk about this Jesus guy and that He had died for me. At 7 that is a huge concept to understand but something about it made me interested. After he finished speaking we all filed out for snack time. The pastor pulled a few of us aside and said he noticed we had perked up when he mentioned becoming a Christian. So there I sat with red popsicle juice running down my hand as I prayed for Christ to come into my heart and to take over my life. Funny how that memory is seared into my brain.
Now if only from that day forward I could say that my life has been easy. It hasn't. Faith is not a one time decision and then easy walking from there on out. I struggle daily with all kinds of things. I've hurt, I've been lonely, I've been angry, and I've struggled with letting go of my own will. But it's a relationship and it takes work and I can say that no matter what happens I am firm in my faith and hope that God is good and that He loves me more than anyone in this world will ever be able to.
It seems like you've thought about this and are looking for answers. I would encourage you to go check out your friend's church, to ask him questions.

8/19/2005 9:45 AM  
Blogger jes said...

kt: i love that you shared with us how you became a christian. i've known you for 6 years, and i never knew how God drew you to himself!

8/19/2005 10:09 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

really? i guess i just always figured you did.

8/19/2005 10:12 AM  
Blogger Eric Stacey said...

Thanks for the advice, Katie-I'll probably see him this weekend-you're right-I am looking for a lot of answers to a lot of things-I love talking about things like this, some of it probably came from turning 30 a few years ago, some of it comes from talking with people at work who aren't happy-guys making good money, but I think there have been 4 or 5 divorces on our staff at work in the past 5 years-I don't know how some of those guys made it through it all-without a faith in God, and letting God take control, I sure would not have been able to-there is a guy who I work with, is about 58-ready to retire, and he just seems so angry at the world-I would never want to be that-I think I'm rambling on a bit here-it's cool how serious you are on this blog, and you have a great sense of humor on your skirt blog-great reading.

8/19/2005 10:24 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

Jubal - that last comment was shameful! *Wagging finger like Sydney*

Katie, see, ya got people thinking and talking. I loved reading your testimony.

Continue being strong and courageous.

8/19/2005 10:29 AM  
Blogger Eddo said...

Rock on KT! Brilliant dissertation and so right on the money.

I leave the blogosphere for one day and KT turns into Bonhoffer! Splendeed!

8/19/2005 10:30 AM  
Blogger steve said...

jeesh. Everyone's comin down on the singer..

8/19/2005 10:31 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

But you DID see that I was thinking about your most recently posted song even before I saw your post this morning, eh?

10:11 last night.

It's a GREAT song.

8/19/2005 10:39 AM  
Blogger jes said...

steve. no fair. you deleted your comment and now none of us can know what is so shameful.

8/19/2005 11:00 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Steve - you didn't have to remove the comment. I liked the comment.

8/19/2005 11:07 AM  
Blogger Laura Baker said...

I stumbled across your blog several months ago, and ever since I've been hooked! You are an amazing writer and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blogs every day.
Thank you very much for sharing this heartfelt dissertation. You are very inspiring! May God continue to bless you.
Thank again.

8/19/2005 11:08 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Hey thanks Laura.

8/19/2005 11:10 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

I'm on your blog list!!! I'm on your blog list!!!

"All this excitement, I could have be killed!"

8/19/2005 11:11 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

BEEN killed.

Just RUINED my movie quote.

8/19/2005 11:12 AM  
Blogger steve said...

I removed it because I didnt want to "taint" KTs wonderful dissertation on the Big Man.

(and just to make JES wonder AGAIN what the big deal with Steve's comments)

8/19/2005 11:14 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Steve - will you put up the non-tainted part because I really liked it. Please :)

8/19/2005 11:16 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

I'll send you a Dublin Dr. Pepper . . . . . . and maybe a cookie . . . .

8/19/2005 11:16 AM  
Blogger steve said...

Duede seriously...

I was just stating that I refer to what KT is talking about as "Drivin Da Bus". I like to take the wheel and look all big and important and when life is good and all is going well I look like a rockstar. The problem being the Bus is a very large thang... when the road gets rough I have troubel letting go of the wheel and I tend to run the thing off the road...


8/19/2005 11:21 AM  
Blogger steve said...

I just noticed that I think Katie tried to copy my picture????



8/19/2005 11:22 AM  
Blogger Katie said...


8/19/2005 11:23 AM  
Blogger steve said...

the folded arms... the searing eyes... duede seriously.
sapovisely you just wanna be me

8/19/2005 11:33 AM  
Blogger steve said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/19/2005 11:38 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

What can I say to that . . . .

8/19/2005 11:40 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Oh yeah, anyone know where to buy leather pants?

8/19/2005 11:41 AM  
Blogger steve said...



8/19/2005 11:43 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

prove it.

8/19/2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

KT- was that a dare, or a double dare, or a double dog dare?

8/19/2005 11:53 AM  
Blogger steve said...

you can only HOPE to see me in my Snakeskin and Leather!

8/19/2005 11:56 AM  
Blogger jes said...

pleather? PLEATHER? steve, we have big problems if you're wearing pleather.

also, duede.

8/19/2005 11:58 AM  
Blogger steve said...

i was young

8/19/2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger jes said...

uh-huh. sure. aren't you STILL young? therefore, you must have purchased them recently.

i'm not falling for that, steve. or the 97 cents.

8/19/2005 12:15 PM  
Blogger steve said...

have to admit it made you smile

8/19/2005 12:17 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...


You so summed up what I think all christians struggle with....

We are humans... therefore we will screw up and be our own God.... being completely honest I struggle with it daily!..... I must pick up the cross on a daily basis! Thanks for the well written reminder!

8/19/2005 2:05 PM  
Blogger Eric Stacey said...

Are you talking about a stuggle with faith or just every day experiences?

8/19/2005 2:11 PM  
Blogger Ben said...


Taking a quick break from this day... and WHAT a day it has been.

I love your intellectual mind. Your thoughts are deep and your introspection is second to none. (Except when I compare you to my own personal savior.) You're shallow in comparison to Him.

But then you knew that. ;)

8/19/2005 3:56 PM  
Blogger Jayleigh said...

Wow Katie, that was amazing and SO RIGHT ON. Gimme 5, my nerdy sister! I agree with Amstaff Mom... very well written indeed.

8/19/2005 9:43 PM  
Blogger MsThang said...

Man I have to work to keep up with the comments and the bantering back and forth. I will make it my personal mission starting next week to be a commenting fool since I will have no schoolwork to do for a complete semester!

I love your disertation.. very deep and very true!

Steve, Pleather? I mean if you are going to do the whole non jean material atleast do it right and get leather! But I think a pic in them is definitely called for!

8/20/2005 5:54 PM  
Blogger Amanda Sue said...

katie, i love this post. i need to print it out and read it daily, just for a raw human perspective on taking over God's job.

very inspiring - thanks for sharing.

8/21/2005 10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh they are leather

8/21/2005 6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every time!!!

8/21/2005 8:50 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Just you wait, Anonymous, just you wait . . . . . .

8/21/2005 9:09 PM  

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