Thursday, August 17, 2006

Circling but never landing

That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and my inability to be able to express it in any clear form. Not a bad thing, there is purpose in the "in-between" time. Just ready for clearance to touch down somewhere.

Since I tend to be fairly cryptic when it comes to talking about myself and what's going on in my life, here is the rundown (although you might think this is cryptic too).

It was about this time last year that I felt a tingling about leaving my current job. I was starting the fifth year at a school that I intended to only stay at for a year or two while I pursued youth ministry. Oh how plans change. At the end of two years I wasn't in youth ministry anymore, funny how things like that happen. So here I was entering year five and feeling restless (feel free to read through old posts to confirm this) and struggling with the idea of leaving. My plan might have initially been for two years but God knew better, oh so better. I have never worked somewhere and with such people that has stretched me, molded me, challenged me, supported me, and changed who I was. When I look back on all that has occured in the last 5 years I can't imagine not being at my school and with my co-workers and the families that I have come to love.

And yet, there it was, this feeling that the door was closing. I struggled with this, it was an emotional thing for me, one because I would be leaving something that meant so much to me and two because I had no idea what the future held. The amazing thing is that confirmation and peace came pretty quickly. Things outside of my control began to happen that pushed me forward. I was confident in my decision, well I thought I was.

Now this is where the circling begins. I was ready to go, I'd begun to pack up the boxes so to speak, to start the going process. I gave my notice, I was ready to move on. And then things started changing, stuff started happening, and I waffled on my decision. And yet the same confirmation kept comming, "go" but there was a problem, the "where" had yet to be determined. It's a little hard to "go" when you're not sure which direction to point your feet in.

And so I waited . . . . and waited . . . . and waited . . . . and well I'm still waiting. Oh there are options; there are some wild, crazy, not normal Katie type options, and then there are the safer, easier, more practical options. And depending on the day you ask me I will tell you I'm leaning toward one . . . . . or the other. Because the waiting, the circling continues. I have my orders to "go" but I'm missing an important part of the package, the destination. And it's as much of a location thing as a purpose thing. I want to know where God wants me but I also want to know what God wants from me.

Now I would love to tell you all that I am extremely content and patient and this waiting process is one of the most refreshing and greatest learning experiences of my life. But lightening would strike and I wouldn't be here to complete this post. In fact, I hate waiting, I struggle with patience, and it is one of the tougher positions I've been in a long while.

I know I'm supposed to go. I know that this door is closing. And yet I feel like I'm standing in a hallway, looking at automatic revolving doors that keep opening and closing.

I know this time is here for a reason, and just as I thought I would be at my school for two years and just started on year six, God's plan is bigger and more farther reaching than mine. It's uncomfortable, it's hard, and yet it is what it is.

So I'm circling and waiting for clearance to land. Hopefully I won't run out of gas.


Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

You're just waiting to hear from Air Traffic Control. The good thing is that they're always there. You just sometimes have to wait your turn.

Hang in there K-T!

8/17/2006 1:02 PM  
Blogger Bobby said...

As long as God desires for you to wait, I can guarantee that He won't let you run out of gas.

8/17/2006 3:47 PM  
Anonymous jes said...

Ooh. JCol: Air Traffic Control. I like that.

KT, It's so interesting for me to sit and watch what you're doing and what God is doing and the process it's taking to get there. I'm praying for you, girlfriend!

8/17/2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger Shenna said...

Aww Katie...sorry to hear you haven't found a place to land yet. It's so hard to be "restless" and "discontent" and not know where God wants you, but that He's moving you.

Whatever it is, it must be big!

8/17/2006 6:24 PM  
Blogger Tim Rice said...

Thanks, Katie, for sharing. I'm in a bit different position. So often I think I ought to be moving on and yet I sense that God keeps saying, "Just wait, you are where I want you." Patience, no matter what direction, can be hard.

8/17/2006 8:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you ought to use a desktop publishing program and put your amazing posts into book form and send it to a publisher...or two...or three...however many it takes and become a published writer. You're already an accomplished writer - it's just that your audience is small.
I think your calling is writing (which of course also means teaching)...that's my 2 cents worth!

8/17/2006 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Tanner Ridge said...

Thanks for the update Katie. I remember the post not too long ago where you said you had put in your notice to leave your job and the end of this school year. I was wondering what happened with that since you seem to be starting another school year.

By the way... I was at a small gift shop last week and on the counter was some Burts Bees. First time I saw the stuff. I bought some from your recommendation. Don't have an opinion yet but will let you know.

8/17/2006 11:07 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

He must have you in a holding pattern to protect you from something on the runway.

8/18/2006 8:15 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Before my wife and I finally were able to come to Australia, we were in a "holding pattern" back in NY for about five months while the Aussie government and I worked out (battled for) our visas. That's five months PAST the time we were supposed to leave, which meant ten months total of living in my in-laws' basement. It was horrible. I keep telling myself, "I would NEVER do that again given the second chance."

And yet ... somehow I know that what happened, for whatever reason, is how it had to play out, and I'm better for it now. I think if I had to go back, I'd make better USE of the time I was circling (why sit on your ass when you could be doing something for somebody). ...

Oh yes, and I concur with the "publish a book" sentiments somebody mentioned ...

8/18/2006 8:23 AM  
Blogger The Cubicle Reverend said...

been there done that, though it never hurts just to knock on a few doors even if you don't go in.

8/18/2006 9:03 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Awww KT!! Praying for you girl!

Here's a thought: since you've had the "go" before you for awhile... what if you ARE supposed to go? What if God is trying to shake you up and test your faith by asking you to go... NOW? Yes I know that means that you wouldn't have a job. I know that means that you would have to REALLY BELIEVE that He would take care of you!!

But what if he needs you to free up your day to really be able to direct you to your next destination?

Just a thought... :o)

8/18/2006 10:31 AM  
Anonymous aunt j said...

While you're about spending some quality time visiting with your grandfather? I know he could use the company and for an 86 year old man, he is pretty interesting. I know he has taught me alot about life. No excuses.

8/18/2006 2:37 PM  
Blogger Aim Claim said...

Patience is a virtue... that's what my momma aways said.

8/18/2006 6:59 PM  
Blogger The Runt said...

Go look at my blog so you can see what Deals did on her bday!

8/19/2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger Tony Myles said...

You know what is amazing is during seasons like this you become an expert in treading water... so much so that you wonder if you remember how to really swim.

8/19/2006 9:59 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home