Circling but never landing

That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and my inability to be able to express it in any clear form. Not a bad thing, there is purpose in the "in-between" time. Just ready for clearance to touch down somewhere.

Since I tend to be fairly cryptic when it comes to talking about myself and what's going on in my life, here is the rundown (although you might think this is cryptic too).

It was about this time last year that I felt a tingling about leaving my current job. I was starting the fifth year at a school that I intended to only stay at for a year or two while I pursued youth ministry. Oh how plans change. At the end of two years I wasn't in youth ministry anymore, funny how things like that happen. So here I was entering year five and feeling restless (feel free to read through old posts to confirm this) and struggling with the idea of leaving. My plan might have initially been for two years but God knew better, oh so better. I have never worked somewhere and with such people that has stretched me, molded me, challenged me, supported me, and changed who I was. When I look back on all that has occured in the last 5 years I can't imagine not being at my school and with my co-workers and the families that I have come to love.

And yet, there it was, this feeling that the door was closing. I struggled with this, it was an emotional thing for me, one because I would be leaving something that meant so much to me and two because I had no idea what the future held. The amazing thing is that confirmation and peace came pretty quickly. Things outside of my control began to happen that pushed me forward. I was confident in my decision, well I thought I was.

Now this is where the circling begins. I was ready to go, I'd begun to pack up the boxes so to speak, to start the going process. I gave my notice, I was ready to move on. And then things started changing, stuff started happening, and I waffled on my decision. And yet the same confirmation kept comming, "go" but there was a problem, the "where" had yet to be determined. It's a little hard to "go" when you're not sure which direction to point your feet in.

And so I waited . . . . and waited . . . . and waited . . . . and well I'm still waiting. Oh there are options; there are some wild, crazy, not normal Katie type options, and then there are the safer, easier, more practical options. And depending on the day you ask me I will tell you I'm leaning toward one . . . . . or the other. Because the waiting, the circling continues. I have my orders to "go" but I'm missing an important part of the package, the destination. And it's as much of a location thing as a purpose thing. I want to know where God wants me but I also want to know what God wants from me.

Now I would love to tell you all that I am extremely content and patient and this waiting process is one of the most refreshing and greatest learning experiences of my life. But lightening would strike and I wouldn't be here to complete this post. In fact, I hate waiting, I struggle with patience, and it is one of the tougher positions I've been in a long while.

I know I'm supposed to go. I know that this door is closing. And yet I feel like I'm standing in a hallway, looking at automatic revolving doors that keep opening and closing.

I know this time is here for a reason, and just as I thought I would be at my school for two years and just started on year six, God's plan is bigger and more farther reaching than mine. It's uncomfortable, it's hard, and yet it is what it is.

So I'm circling and waiting for clearance to land. Hopefully I won't run out of gas.