Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Restless

I actually wrote this post weeks ago but I'm pretty sure I never posted it. Unfortunately this is still how I'm feeling so I figured I would put it up here.

I’m not complaining. I’m really not. I guess I’m mostly just questioning. It seems to be just a part of my life now, the questioning that is.

I’ve come to accept “it” as the status quo. I’ve posted about “it”. I think about “it”. I even sometimes talk about “it” as if "it" will one day not be something I struggle with.

The “it” is that I’m restless.

There’s a feeling that this isn’t where I belong. Maybe it’s just a passing thing. Tomorrow may be different. But today, right now, I’m restless.

I like my job but I don’t love it. It isn’t why I get up in the morning. This is a good thing, I’m not sure I ever want my job to be the reason I get up in the morning. I want whatever job I have to be a means to an end of living but for all the other “stuff” in my life to be why I get up everyday and go to that job. That said, I don’t want my job to be something I just do. I want to get pleasure and fulfillment out of my job, but in the proper perspective to what it is.

It’s not just the job though. I’m restless in life. Do you have those moments when you know something with such conviction but you don’t have it in focus quite yet? I know that there is something out there for me, something new and different and waiting but I just can’t make it out.

I don’t want to sound like I am frustrated or unsatisfied with all the things going on in my life. I’m not. I work with amazing people, I get to serve in a great church, I have wonderful friends and family, and there is so much more.

I’m happy.

But restless.

Maybe my problem is that I’m so worried about what is out there, what is to come, that I’m missing all the things in front of me right now. That is a very good possibility and that makes me disappointed in myself. I never want to be looking for the better option and miss out on the perfect one right in front of me. But then again I don’t want to get so comfortable in here and know that I miss opportunities for what could have been.

All this to say, I’m restless but I don't know what for.

35 Comments:

Blogger steve said...

show me a person that isnt a little restless and i will show you someone who isnt following God

10/18/2005 11:45 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Preach. It. Brother.

I was about to say roughly the same thing.

Katie, I think we all are a little restless. It kind of goes with the (somewhat old) saying that it's when you're comfortable, satisfied, and generally unaffected is when you should start questioning your standing with God? We should always be yearning for more: even in the little stuff.

This is a GREAT place to be Katie: i know it doesn't probably quite feel like it now, but when you find that "something" that's tugging on your heart, it will be so worth this time that you're currently in.

10/18/2005 11:49 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Thanks guys, but the restlessness isn't little - it is STINKIN HUGE and is constant and is even sometimes overwhelming. And I wish I could say that it stemmed from just being uncomfortable in this world, in this state of being, but it is more than that. It is restlessness of feeling like I missed a MAJOR message from God or that I'm just not looking in the right direction or place to see what He is trying to show me. This is a hard thing to explain because it is in my head and my heart, but it is difficult and frustrating and more than that disheartening that I am willfully choosing to float through life on auto-pilot and just stay in the place where I am because it is comfortable. SO I am in fact restless and yet stuck (doesn't make sense, I know).

sorry this is not making sense at all so I'm going to stop typing.

10/18/2005 11:57 AM  
Blogger bigwhitehat said...

What do you long for?
If you are restless, then there is something on your heart. What is it?
If you know that, this is no problem.
If you know and are reasoning this away, then you truly do have a problem.

10/18/2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Katie-

We are so alike in so many ways... I hear you... somedays the restlessness isn't as loud as it is on other days... but I too haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up.

I keep having to remind myself that I am "resting in Him" until his timing is right. That's not to say that I am expecting him to just plop something down in my lab... I need to be proactive... however, the timing is not right yet. I am not really restless in life though... just in my job. Maybe because I have already settled down with Sydney and have Jake, Mickers, Bug and Benji.

But in the same breath, I think that the Lord allows us to feel restless so we don't become complacent and that we continue to lean on Him. He is drawing us near when we are restless.

10/18/2005 12:41 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

BWH - I do know some of my longings but others are hazy. It's like there is this longing inside of me but no clarity to what it really is. Doesn't make much sense but that is the only way I know how to put it.

Please clarify the last statment, I'm confused. If I'm reasoning away my longings I have a problem?

10/18/2005 12:48 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Ben - we are alike, I think that is why i equate you to a big brother(teases me, encourages me, has great wisdom, and I would LOVE to have Syd for a sister-in-law - she rocks).

The timing thing hits me. I just asked myself yesterday "What is it that I am trying to take from God in my timing that He intends to give to me in His? What blessings am I turning into curses because I want them NOW or on my terms."

yrbr - your bro (BEN)

10/18/2005 12:52 PM  
Blogger Joe & Julie said...

Hey girl,
Well, this is a great post because I feel this way right now too. Strange to say, but I feel as though I have been fortunate in my life and blessed with my great family, friends, and husband. However, I feel a bit restless, but not exactly as if something is missing or anything. Sometimes I think its because of work. Sometimes I think its something in my marriage. Most times I just don't know. Thank you for sharing this post, and hopefully you will continue to be blessed.
~Julie

10/18/2005 12:57 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Hey! I accept the position... I was the youngest in my family... so I have never been a big brother... but NOW?

All that has changed... from this point on, I will consider you my honorary little sister.

Way cool.

I am now content. ;)

10/18/2005 1:15 PM  
Blogger Luke said...

Philippians 4:10-19

10/18/2005 1:23 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Thanks Julie - I hope you continue to be blessed also and that you get some clarity on what you are restless with.

10/18/2005 1:23 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Ben - so what exactly changes from hereforth my honorary big brother?

You'll give me a hard time? check
You'll tease me? check
You'll have good words of wisdom? check
You'll make me laugh and smile? check

So pretty much the status quo but with a title? I'll take it.

10/18/2005 1:24 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Ah yes Luke - Paul and contentment

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation" - a secret I yearn to learn daily

10/18/2005 1:28 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

Oh Katie my now adopted sister-in-law! (This means you are an Auntie as well)

This post is exactly how I feel. I agree with Steve. I have a hard time knowing whether or not I am doing things in his timing or if I am going on my own and that's why I am restless. I am soooo busy with my kiddo's right now and yet I feel that this isn't all that their is for me. God isn't through with me yet. I don't know if it is the writing thing... for I feel like I should write, I like to write, and so far have had nothing but encouragment. So then I think... Should I be doing more right now with the writing? Or am I suppose to wait until my kids are a little older. I need to keep pursuing until God closes the doors. (Actually I am working on a story right now about forgiveness right now and I used you in it. Your Katie the Koala)

10/18/2005 1:28 PM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

Katie the Koala! How cute.

Well said Jubal, well said.

And K-T. I love that picture of you. And your Dublin DP.

10/18/2005 1:32 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Syd (Big Sis I should say and I would LOVE to be an honorary aunt to your sweet, cute, streaker kiddos).

There with you girly. It is hard. If I knew what I wanted I would most definetely pursue it, so you keep writing (and give us a tid-bit sometime).

I'll take the koala (they are cute). So is Eddie an elephant?

10/18/2005 1:36 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Steve - you get the highest rated advice and wisdom award for the day (not a suprise there).

10/18/2005 1:37 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

Eddie is the Iquana, Jes is the Jaquar, Amanda sue is Mandie the Monkey, and Steve is a sloth. I was going to add more of my blogging buddies but I don't know their real names.!

10/18/2005 1:54 PM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

I guess I'm not Amstaff the Amstaff then. Rats!

Steve's the sloth! HA HA!

10/18/2005 2:05 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

An Amstaff would have worked had this story not been based in a jungle.... I haven't seen an Amstaff in the jungle....

10/18/2005 2:11 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

OH MY GOSH I tried to guess what animals you would but with the names of bloggers and I SOOOO thought Steve the sloth and then felt bad. Ahahahahahaha, that is so funny because I'm pretty sure Steve isn't slothful.

10/18/2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

I know... But it created a fun character and add him into the story! I can't imagine Steve being slow and slothful at all..... Ummmmm maybe I will have to do some more research!

10/18/2005 2:15 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

He could be Steve the serpent... BUT that just seems really wrong.... Must ponder.......

10/18/2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger steve said...

SLOTH!!!!

I COULD TOTALLY BE A SLOTH!! (if it just wasnt for this energy!!)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLL!!! Classic!

(if i was the snake i would say:

classssssssic!) but i cant be the snake... evil.. pure evil...

10/18/2005 2:26 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

I vote Steve the Sloth

10/18/2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Um yeah. I go away for a couple of hours and then all of a sudden Steve is a sloth?! Wow.

Sounds like a cute story sydney!

10/18/2005 2:47 PM  
Blogger krisT said...

Katie~ I feel like that all the time. Why do I worry so much about the future that I miss out on what's going on right now? I'm a worry wart, always have been, Lord willing I'll change..

10/18/2005 3:15 PM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

Can I be JCol the Jackal? Althought those are pretty hideous creatures. How about JCol the Jackrabbit?

10/18/2005 3:31 PM  
Blogger MsThang said...

Ive been meaning to tell you since I first saw that picture you have as your blogger icon, that is the best picture I have seen of you yet! It's clear, you see your face perfectly, you are happy, and you have a Dublin DR Pepper! lol.

10/18/2005 3:57 PM  
Blogger Jayleigh said...

Whenever I feel this way, it's been right before the Holy Spirit's led me to do something I would have though crazy and "NO WAY AM I DOING THAT" beforehand. That's how I started working for Hospice. And I *adore* that work.

Who knows besides God?

**hugs**

10/18/2005 4:25 PM  
Blogger jes said...

sweet! i'm a jaguar! sounds so exotic!

kt, i agree with those who precede me: we are all restless, in different way, for different reasons.

you may be restless about what the future holds for you career, relationships, geographic location, etc. i know that your heart desires to marry, to raise sweet little ridiculously shiny blonde-haired children. i know that your heart is to be more fulfilled and respected in your career. i know your heart is to move to Dallas to live closer to me, and then whenever Roger and I move out of Texas, your heart will tell you to come with us.

oops...i got a little carried away on that one. :)

that said, restlessness, whether quantified in great or small proportions, is something that everyone struggles through, regardless of their religious affiliation.

you're not alone. you just need to move closer to me. :) (see how i brought my own selfish desires full circle?)

10/18/2005 4:57 PM  
Blogger bigwhitehat said...

Katie, make a list of your desires.

Cross out the sinful ones.

Sort the rest into a prioritized list.
Ask for good advice about them from someone with white hair.

10/19/2005 12:57 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

I'm restless for today's K-Pinion post! :)

10/19/2005 11:38 AM  
Blogger Eddo said...

Where is my comment? Where IS my SUPER COMMENT!?

I know I left one, why can't I find it...

10/19/2005 11:44 AM  
Blogger Luke said...

This "Restless" post reminded me of a bible study our Y.G. did once on "Contentment". I scanned it in pdf format. It has my comments written on it too, but it has lots of scripture references, so you can form your own kpinions. My email is on my profile.

10/20/2005 8:33 AM  

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