Thursday, November 10, 2005

In the waiting room

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
And my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
And my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
PSALM 13

I love this Psalm. I love all the Psalms. They are like looking into the heart of the writer, looking into their thoughts, fears, cries, and yes their rejoicing.

I love David. I love his honesty, his openness before God. He was called a man after God's own heart. I think this meant more than just the idea that he would desire to serve God. He wanted God's heart; he wanted to know Him, to be known by Him. And to know God and to be known by Him means that you will struggle, you will battle, you will falter, and you trust Him to stay through all of it.

I love that David comes to God with questions. He asks Him exactly what is in his heart and he doesn’t hold back. How long? David was struggling and he cried out for answers. Will you forget me? Will you hide from me? David felt alone. Must I wrestle with my thoughts, have sorrow in my heart? David was hurting. Will my enemy triumph over me? David was scared.

And then he calls on God to respond. I love the intimacy of that. Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. David didn’t say, “ok God, get back to me on this stuff when you can”, no he calls on God to answer him, to answer him right in that moment. And the great thing is that I think David really did expect Him to answer, to respond to his cries. He knew that God heard him and he wanted answers right then.

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” And my foes will rejoice when I fall. I love that David is dramatic here, he is responding in a very human way, in his own mortality. God if you don’t show me that you are here and working then I’m just going to be killed by these people and then they’re going to do a happy dance on my body and well what do you think about that? That is what I hear David saying in my head.

But . . . . One of the greatest words in the entire world. I love that those three little letters can completely change the direction you are going. I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; David begins to remember. It might not be his current state of thought, oh no, he’s in pain and crying out. But he remembers a time when he trusted, when things were a bit clearer and He knew something about His Lord. Lovingkindness. I absolutely adore this word, I love that it is the Old Testament equivalent to God’s grace. David begins to remember God’s grace, His actions in the past, the times He has come to his rescue.

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. When I read this I see David making a conscious decision to do something. To decide to act out of faith not out of his current feelings. He says he shall, he will, not he is or he does, but an action in the future, an action that he will make himself do. And he shall rejoice, he will sing. In what? In God’s salvation on account of His lovingkindess. Why? Because David remembers that God has been good to him, he remembers the past, he looks outside of this one situation, outside of this dark moment and he remembers the work of the Lord to get him to this point.

I really do love this Psalm. I think I’ve prayed it to God so many times and it is so easy to get through the first few verses, to cry out to Him, to call on Him, to demand He answer. But I always choke up at the end. I always falter when I have to say that I will act out of faith. It is so hard to say that I will wait on God, that I will trust Him to show up once again. It is so hard to look beyond the darkness, to see past the rain, and to trust that sunlight is out there and that God is true to who He says He is, that He will continually show His character, that He won’t change, that His lovingkindess, his grace, is true and a promise that will be kept. But that is faith. That is what wanting God’s heart is.

And yes you are getting song lyrics again. These come from Shane and Shane (my all time most favorite group). The song is called Waiting Room and that is exactly where I picture David in this Psalm, sitting in the waiting room of life. And that is where I find myself today, waiting.

i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause it's all about You

i will fight when i cannot feel
i will trust when You don't seem real
i will tell when i cannot speak
i will step when i cannot see

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause it's all about You

10 Comments:

Blogger Brian Gardner said...

"Lovingkindness. I absolutely adore this word." You're not the only one. Check out the quotation underneath the picture of Dan Pallotta at Dan's blog at http://www.danpallotta.com.

11/10/2005 12:40 PM  
Blogger jes said...

i'm trying to decide if the comment above is a spam comment. maybe not, since it didn't say "great blog! visit mine about natural health products! i'm sure you'll find it interesting and applicable to your life!"

on a different note, katie! so poetic! and real and honest. i love that about you.

11/10/2005 12:43 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

"'I have trusted in Your lovingkindness'; David begins to remember. It might not be his current state of thought, oh no, he’s in pain and crying out. But he remembers a time when he trusted, when things were a bit clearer and He knew something about His Lord."

'My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.' When I read this I see David making a conscious decision to do something. To decide to act out of faith not out of his current feelings. He says he shall, he will, not he is or he does, but an action in the future, an action that he will make himself do. Why? Because David remembers that God has been good to him, he remembers the past, he looks outside of this one situation, outside of this dark moment and he remembers the work of the Lord to get him to this point."

HOLY BUCKETS GIRL YOU MADE ME CRY. I think...

I think you wrote this for me. I do. Actually now I have completely convinced myself of this very thing and you can't tell me otherwise because then you'll make me cry harder: knowing that someone else is out there struggling - maybe not with the same thing - but thinking and feeling the same things I am. Someone who has the grace, the depth, and heart to be able to elegantly convey her heart and the heart of others in such a real, magnified way.

Katie, sweetness, my tears flow with yours.

11/10/2005 12:50 PM  
Blogger Eddo said...

KT, all these deep posts! You need to stop blogging and write a book.

11/10/2005 12:54 PM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

I'd buy the book! I'd buy the book!

This is good stuff K-T, powerful words, and I love how you took them and made them even more REAL.

I must listen to this Shane and Shane sometime. May I?

I'll miss sitting with you on Sunday, and blogging with you tomorrow and Monday!

11/10/2005 1:10 PM  
Blogger Brian Gardner said...

Jes,
My comment is not spam, as I hope Katie would attest to that. I am a Christian, and one of the people I admire is a guy named Dan Pallotta, whose company used to put on an event to raise money for breast cancer called the Breast Cancer 3-Day. My wife and friend and I have walked those events, and when I read her post regarding lovingkindness, it made me think of Dan, who built his company on the foundation of those very words.

11/10/2005 2:20 PM  
Blogger jes said...

ooh! totally agree with eddie. quit your job, quit your blog, hole up with a typewriter in a log cabin, and write a book.

doesn't that sound picturesque?

11/10/2005 3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or a beach cabin!

11/10/2005 3:21 PM  
Blogger Shenna said...

Beautiful Katie. God really spoke to you on this one. I need to look up Shane and Shane (what a funny name!)

Thanks for sharing your heart!

11/10/2005 10:01 PM  
Blogger Tony Myles said...

The hardest place for me in life is not the waiting room but when you leave the waiting room and are told to wait for the doctor in the little room. It's like you get psyched out... as though you've moved on from having to wait but really you're just one step closer in the waiting process.

So you play with the doctor's instruments until he comes in.

Anyway, I share that because whether it's getting so far in an interview process or feeling like I'm on the verge of the bubble popping somewhere, this is the hardest part of waiting for me.

11/14/2005 8:07 AM  

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