Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Just Me

Funny how things strike you or I guess I should say it is funny how things strike me. I’m pretty sure that I get struck by things in an entirely different way than other people do. But then again, I’m not like everybody else (nor are you by the way) so of course I get struck differently.

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Maybe it was for just a moment or maybe it was for a lifetime. Maybe you wanted to be her or him or whoever you thought had the perfect life, or at least a life a little bit better than you. Maybe it wasn’t anyone specific; it was just someone, someone else, someone other than you. Maybe it was the “you” that you thought you were, or the “you” that others think you are, or the “you” that you’ve always wanted to be. Whatever, whoever, it was just somebody else. Not you or at least not the “you” that you are right now.

I’ve been that person. I’ve always been that person. Wanting to be somebody else. Wanting to be the kid that got invited to all the sleepovers, that was picked first in kickball, and that was that special student that all the teachers adored. Wanting to be the girl in high school that was so perfectly confident in herself, not arrogant, but comfortable with who she was. Wanting to be the woman who had found that all her dreams had come true, she was who she pictured herself to be as a woman. Wanting to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own personality, wanting to be what everyone else expected me to be, what I expected me to be. Wanting all that I though I lacked, all that I thought I needed. Wanting to be somebody else and yet still wanting to be me, just the “me” that wasn’t who I was at the moment. The “me” that was what I could be, what I should be.

I have a feeling this is a struggle for many. I hope that I’m not the only one who looks at herself in the mirror and wonders what it would be like to be that person, somebody else.

Maybe this is a longing planted deep within my heart that has purpose. Because I don’t look at another person and wish that I was them. Oh, sometimes I wish I had what they have but I still want to be me, just a different me. A better me. The “me” that others see me as and then sometimes I want to be nothing like the me that others see. It is such a conflicting thought, to want to be all the good that others see, to meet their expectations of you, and yet to want to be nothing like the parts of you that are offensive to others, that hurt others. I want to be the best version of me, but that is somebody else, it isn’t the “me” that I am right now.

But then I wonder if I will ever be content with the “me” of the moment. Is that longing to be somebody else planted inside me to draw me closer to the “me” that I am supposed to be? Is that lack of satisfaction, lack of contentment, of comfortableness a yearning that pushes me to change, or more, to be open to change>

Can I recognize that the “me” that I am right now is the “me” that is needed for right now and yet the “me” that I want to be, might be the “me” for tomorrow. Maybe wanting to be somebody else, to be somebody at all, is really a desire to be me after all.

Maybe somewhere in the midst of all the visions of me: Who I want me to be, who others want me to be, who they seem me as, who God sees me as, who God is changing me to be. Somewhere in the middle of all that there I am.

Just me.

Changing, growing, learning. Changing not into somebody else altogether but from me to me.

So maybe I do want to be somebody else, to be somebody, maybe I want to be me. A me that I don’t know yet, a me that I see off in the distance.

Just thinking out loud here. I’m me, I do thinks like this.


Blogger Bobby said...

I'm always wishing I were this person or that person. I think you're in a pretty big boat with that one.

6/21/2006 12:17 PM  
Blogger Sydney said...

Hear Hear... I now that it is from satan for God created me who he wanted me to be. I know that there are times that I don't like who I am because God is nudging me to change... but to want what someone else personality or things is not of the Lord and I do struggle with BEING ME! (WHO AM I???)

6/21/2006 12:21 PM  
Anonymous jes said...

You're not alone. I think we all - regardless of who we are - wish we could have different things, be different people, at one time or another. It's universal.

6/21/2006 12:42 PM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

No, you're definitely like everyone else on that. I have different people that I would like to be more like for different reasons. Which proves that no one is perfect.

I like you K-T. Just as you are.

6/21/2006 1:27 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Somewhere in the middle of all that there I am.

Just me.

Changing, growing, learning. Changing not into somebody else altogether but from me to me.

I like this... this is who I choose to be... when I see something that I don't like about myself, I try to work on it and change... it comes slow but then there are other times were I say, "I don't like that about me..." and so I decide right then and there to change. But there are some things you can't change... but I like the idea of changing from me to me. People don't let you do that... they place you in a box. I hate that.

6/21/2006 4:01 PM  
Blogger The Cubicle Reverend said...

I still want to be a super hero.

6/21/2006 9:39 PM  
Blogger Jayleigh said...

Long ago, when I'd say I wanted to be like so-and-so, my mom would remind me that everyone has their problems to deal with in life. I may want their blessings, but maybe I don't want their problems.

I have a friend with 5 kids. I want kids more than anything in life, but this friend has a rotten marriage, awful parents and has an eating disorder. Would I change places with her?

Another friend has a beautiful house, amazing garden, and well trained dog. And she has horrible health problems, never sees her hubby because they are so busy always working on their yard and house... and she works 40+ hours per week.

I don't want to be EITHER of these people, really. Because I am used to my own issues. You just never know how big of a smile someone has to put on to mask their trials.


It doesn't stop me from wanting what these people have and I don't have... it just stops me from dwelling on it and wishing I could really switch places.

6/21/2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Eddo said...

KT, always just be yourself, but constant self-examination and improvement is a necessary part of life - especially the Christian life. Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

I just posted on my site about change and how I am teaching on it this weekend at the boys home. Should be fun.

You just keep being you. You've grown so much over the past few years. I'm very proud of you.

see you on Sunday!

6/22/2006 1:18 AM  
Blogger Aim Claim said...

Being "just me" or "just katie" shall I say, is a pretty great place to be... what an amazing path has been set before you.

Don't be afraid of all that "me" can do!

6/23/2006 5:11 PM  

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